Pinky McKay Cosleeping Myths Busted

By Pinky McKay

We all want a good night’s sleep but when it comes to where your baby sleeps you are certain to get bombarded with advice. If you dare admit to co-sleeping you will be an especially vulnerable target. Of course, wherever your baby sleeps is your choice and as long as you provide a safe sleeping environment, it’s nobody else’s business.  Remember, if the advice givers aren’t bringing casseroles or offering to do an ‘overnighter’, you don’t even owe them basic respect.  This doesn’t mean though, that those annoying critics won’t undermine you and have you second-guessing yourself. So, just in case you are sharing sleep with your baby but all of this ‘helpful’ advice is sending you down the slippery slope of self-doubt, let’s bust a few myths about co-sleeping:

Myth 1: Co-sleeping is dangerous. 

Although the definition of co-sleeping includes sleeping next to your baby on a separate surface, as well as bed-sharing, it is unsafe to sleep with your baby on a sofa or waterbed and on any surface at all if you or your partner are smokers or affected by medications or drugs (prescription or otherwise) that can reduce your awareness of your baby.  Bed-sharing is also potentially unsafe if you aren’t breastfeeding, if you are obese and if you leave your baby ‘loose’ in an adult bed  - video footage from baby sleep labs at Durham University, UK and the University of Notre Dame, Indiana show breastfeeding, bed-sharing mothers intuitively create a safe space around their babies by holding them in the crook of their arm with mothers’ knees bent, preventing baby from slipping down in the bed. Conversely, formula feeding mothers were more likely to turn their backs on their babies while bed-sharing.  

According to SIDS researcher, Professor James McKenna, Director of the Mother-Baby Sleep Laboratory at Notre Dame and author of the book Sleeping with Your Baby: A Parent's Guide to Cosleeping , sharing sleep with your baby can be potentially life saving. He says, "infants and babies give off cues and signals that caregivers need to react and respond to. "By sleeping next to baby, the mother is able to promote baby's breathing stability.... There is no scientific validation that says co-sleeping is bad. Accidents, of course, happen, and there are risk factors, as with everything."

If, like up to 80% of Australian parents with babies under 6 months , you are sharing sleep with your baby either occasionally or more often, check out Dr. McKenna’s  Safe Cosleeping Guidelines and the SIDS and Kids guidelines for safe cosleeping.

 Myth no 2: You will make your baby dependent

The fact is, babies ARE dependent - they can’t walk, talk , dress or feed themselves yet. Nor can they regulate their emotions or understand that when you are out of sight that you haven’t abandoned them.  Independence isn’t something we can force by pushing babies away, it is about biology – a baby needs and expects to be close to his mother to feel safe, secure and calm. Research shows that when babies’ needs for dependency are met appropriately and consistently, they develop a sense of security that helps them feel confident to venture forth, explore and socialize.

 Myth no 3: You will never get your baby out of your bed

Please relax – at least right now you know who your kid is sleeping with (and what he is drinking). He may like to snuggle up to another nice warm body when he is eighteen – but it won’t be yours!  Seriously, if your sleeping arrangements are inconvenient or not working for you at any time, you can make changes, gradually with love.

Myth no 4: You have to go to bed when your baby does

If you want to go to bed early that is your choice but co-sleeping doesn’t have to be an ‘all or nothing’ proposal.  It is unsafe to leave your baby sleeping alone in an adult bed, however, you can start your baby in his own bed then take him into your bed when he wakes to feed; you can use a co-sleeper bed such as an Arms Reach co-sleeper, so that you and your baby can share proximity and the convenience of sharing sleep but he has his own safe space; or, you may simply take your baby into your bed for an early morning snuggle. There is no  ‘one sized fits all’ definition of co-sleeping.

Myth no 5: Co-sleeping will ruin your relationship

Having a baby will challenge your relationship, wherever your baby sleeps.  Communication and respect are the keys to a happy relationship, not bickering and blaming the baby or where he sleeps. As there is nothing like exhaustion to put a dampener on your sex life, it’s best to sleep where everyone gets the most sleep.  If this means sharing sleep with your baby either in your bed or next to you, you may need to get a bit more creative about where you have sex. Rather than being a hindrance to your relationship, it could even spice things up a bit!  

Pinky McKay is a Melbourne based lactation consultant and best selling baby care author of Sleeping Like a Baby, Parenting By Heart and 100 Ways to Calm the Crying. Visit Pinky’s website at